i need to grow up.
Need to grow up.
I need scars and wounds.
not stars and moons.

We grow up through other people.
Or we dont and we stay stuck.

I won't stay stuck.
That,
I am sure of.

You are not your experience.
You are not your spelled words.
You are not your actions.
You are not you feelings.

"Watch you when you say
What you are and when you blame
Everyone, You broken king
Watch you change the frame or
Watch you when you take your aim
At the sum of everything"

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.


When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense.

Rumi

Quatrain #158 from Open Secret

qwe

Loneliness is this mechanism of keeping feelings inside. Inability to take it out, to live it through, and to feel it while living. To let the world, the people, the experience, shape up using these feelings.
It is a gap.
Between inside and outside.
That gap hurts. It bleeds through eyes.
Can't change it suddenly. Everything would fall apart. The people, the decisions, the environment.
Maybe I wouldn't be here if it wasn't so. Maybe closest people around me, would be far away.

Shaking the foundations of a skyscraper. Yes, maybe for better, but in the process.. the roof would fall, hundreds and hundreds of meters, until it hits the curb. Once it did, it would smash everything around. Innocent things and people. Glass windows would shatter objects and people on the street. Whole rooms full of things would be crushed against the falling walls. It would be devastating. Even if the foundations moved for the better, the already correctly positioned walls and rooms would fall down as well, caught in the chaos, caught in the movement of the whole building. It would take some time. Time of despair and mess. Time of cleaning up and preparing the new construction. Certainly it would pass and the building would be reconstructed on the better foundations. But the destruction of environment, it would take its toll.

I don't have enough...   right now. But I want to. It is just not the right moment, too many things would shatter. 

asd

I am SO fucking angry and I could crush this fucking wall. Tear down the curtains.
Stab the sofas until there's sponge everywhere.
I could run sprints and beat the rest.
Kill the tigers with my bear hands.
Eat people and rip their heads off.
All of this, but I don't.

I have a volcano in me.
So much energy, that I could fill the planet.

And behind anger.
Is seas of sadness.

But I don't have time, nor solitude,

to summersault in it.