Dear morning

I hate mornings like these. Crawled out of bed with a feeling I haven’t slept. Feeling that I actually DIDN’T relax. I DIDN’T stop thinking. I opened my eyes without that refreshing feeling. The heart inside of me froze during the night, it definitely did. I lost the feeling of it. Cut out. I put my leather jacket, which doesn’t feel like new, put my shoes on and barge out of the door. It is cold outside or better said frisky as it is normal in this bloody town I am thinking. Not to be surprised, the moment the sun caught my presence it became bloody warm and uncomfortable, and I cursed the morning.  I continued walking only to enter the bank and as I am entering I am thinking that security guy wherever he is is probably checking me out right now and looking closely if I am going to pull the gun out. I watched too many movies. Though I definitely look like, or at least I definitely feel, like an eastern European. Pale, lifeless, leather jacket, could kill someone, no grace no posture no nothing, nothing nice. After I put all the money inside the bank I call the companies to pay the bills. At least that’s done but no sense of the accomplishment whatsoever. You spoiled idiot I think to myself, you didn’t earn it, you are paying bills, YOUR bills, goddamn expensive ones BARE in mind and want to feel like you did something. Go kill yourself.

As I am walking I am thinking, or as I am thinking I am walking. Everything seems so out of touch, there is a big glass between me and everything else and it seems this glass sucks the fucking marrow out of everything. I think about past, about future, about what am I doing what can I do what is there to do today tomorrow and it doesn’t make my heart boogie. Heart??! That was the organ which gave color to the world, gave energy gave enthusiasm gave life a nudge, a nudge, which becomes a rollercoaster ride, ups and downs, but its fun. I think it forgot to wake up. I can’t feel it. I feel like a drone, a robot. I pass by people, they all have same faces, and everything I can think of has the same gray trick to it. From movies I know people live like this, and I think how horrible it can be, I DON’T WANT TO BECOME ONE. Paradox as it is, I know! that I need the little morning cocoon to shatter that glass press the on button on my heart and all this requires a moment of silence of focus of self feeling out, finding that feeling and starting the beat again. But my cocoon right now is not a cocoon. It all drains.

However even though I projected illusions of despair, felt like a delusional madmen, I knew that they didn’t hold true, that if I just open an eye inside of me all these projections will shatter and the whole life will go to another frequency. It requires courage though sometimes just to live without effort pain and disappointment it definitely is easier to live like a drone a robot a burnt out smoked out cigarette.

I walked inside of Tesco’s, routinely bought the 4 things I need for breakfast, bread, meat, milk, cereals, went out, crossed the street after waiting for the parade of the pretentious looking cavalry policemen and women pass, entered a forgot-whats-it-called store, after a short time thinking bought some kitchen appliances and budged home.

Once I get home, I definitely need to sit down and relax I thought.